Effing Dykes Gifts: Just What Lies Below (The Woman Fingernails) | Autostraddle

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Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer girl blog site which is hilarious and wise and a little raunchy and
. Wouldn’t end up being a dreadful concept to put aside time to get sucked into an Effing Dykes wormhole, if you haven’t already. Just be sure you keep coming back here to learn this blog post, because it’s special, as above mentioned.

via ohcardigan

Hiya lezzers!

I had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…




Get the buddy. Everybody got your own buddy? Great. Hang on tight towards buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this might be a real tale.


A Long Time Ago, as I ended up being so freshly gay I didn’t have any idea I Found Myself newly gay…

An older lesbian at now-defunct queer bar labeled as


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was completely only indeed there to boogie)

gave me some advice:


Never ever open up a combined bank account along with your partner


Never fake sexual climaxes


Make certain a woman’s fingernails are clean.

The a good idea lesbian was in the woman later part of the 40’s, a generation to date from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i really couldn’t also picture exactly what it needs to be like to be so old.

via petitlapin

Just how unfortunate, I thought. Right here this woman is at a bar and she’s old. I am hoping Really don’t wind up depressed like this lady.

Is not it fun becoming the center of your own world?

Just what slightly crap I became.

via diaghram

For whatever reason, however, we walked away from


that evening saying her three guidelines to myself.

Whenever I woke up, I was thinking of those.

It actually was kind of like from inside the Silver Chair, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to consider The symptoms.

Never behave like that you do not re-read your own Narnia boxed-set at least one time a year.

Anyway! throughout the years, i recalled the three life instructions the lesbian had instructed myself. Her advice produced sense.

We never ever opened a mutual bank account with any person.

We never ever faked orgasms again after the first couple of occasions I did it, realizing I happened to be, actually, dooming me to a perpetual period of shitty gender by gratifying bad performance using my cries of « ecstasy. »

And I always secretly examined a girl’s fingernails before I slept together with her.

via diaphram

Brief? Check.

No abrasive borders? Always Check.

Thoroughly clean? It Really Is search time.

But why, nymphos?

What’s the big deal about nails?

What’s with all the current short-nailed lesbian laughs? Just What?

What i’m saying is, alright, I get it. Its more difficult to bang with lengthy nails. You could maybe puncture a lung or something.

But it’s maybe not difficult. I’ve had very long nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t all of that difficult — you just always make use of the shields of your own fingers.

Why was actually that lesbian very emphatic about clean nails?

All of you, she ended up being


I made a decision to accomplish some debunking.

Surely nothing could really happen to you any time you had gotten fucked by some body with dirty fingernails.

via lesbiansftw

And then we remembered an account therefore horrible I would virtually forgotten it.


via dirtyknife

Terrible shit can happen.

This scary tale pertains to us thanks to my good-looking buddy  »


, » who’s got seen more twat in temperature than a kitty center on 100 % free Spay time.



was at Miami whenever she came across a rather hot femme we are going to call



smelled like sugar snacks baking, wore a leopard-print swimsuit, had enormous silver hoops that shimmered when you look at the light, as well as held one of the finest asses


had ever viewed.

She covertly texted myself a picture of


on share so she could brag, and I texted back,

« I would personally hit that till my personal hand dropped down. »

via hellogirls

Thus, yes,





home that night. There were some really serious drinking.

While getting undressed


when you look at the half-light,


watched some thing she had not truly noticed prior to:

Katie had cool fingernails.

In reality,


had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.


cannot stop the mental picture of these nails clawing down her straight back while she fucked


, thus animalistic sex commenced.


also leave


screw this lady, the actual fact that she normally never ever lets anyone do that. Exactly what the hell, she figured. Going residence the next day. Never see this woman once more. I can get topped for per night.

Let’s fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees

Some thing was actually incorrect with


« area. »

Severely, really incorrect. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material was actually oozing from it. When we state some i am talking about exorbitant. quantities. of. pus.


would not visit the lady-doctor.

Because getting encouraging is exactly what friendship is all about, whenever she informed me, I mentioned,

« So you ultimately got the clap. Whorebag. »


chuckled nervously. She went home, googled « the clap » and turned into convinced that she performed, indeed have gonorrhea. She decided to go, the very first time actually

(she ended up being 28),

to our queer-friendly community gyno clinic.

They didn’t know very well what had been incorrect together.

They tested this lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.


was at some pain. She needed answers. She were placing the



« pussy »

for nearly four weeks today.

So that they provided the girl an ultrasound.


Genital rips. Throughout the inside of her vag.

Lots and lots of rips.


was in fact ripped to shreds. Her insides had been holding in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday accents in there.

And every thing – every final inches – ended up being contaminated.

It can seem that after Katie made use of the woman fabulous very long fingernails giving


an energetic drunk-fuck, nobody knew that her nails had been additionally a festering reproduction floor for

bacterial vaginosis




claims to have-been a stone-cold leading since that time.

My closest friend wikipedia claims you may get horrible attacks from dirty fingernails. It seems that, you will find sometimes staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, that could cause something from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna state.

they are pinworms

That smart lesbian had been spot-on together life instructions.

Never start a combined bank account with your lover.

Never artificial sexual climaxes.

And holy mother of god, consider a trick’s fingernails before banging.

by crystal gwyn

Or you are destined to endure the fate of Cai.


I have to ask yourself, however…

Have any of y’all actually received anything horrible from another girl’s fingers?

Or observed a person that did?

Or is this mainly

(‘cept for Cai)

a lesbian urban misconception?

My personal hands tend to be inching towards travel-sized Purell package.

I need answers.

Before you go!

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